Handlebars
by Screeching Dragon
Summary: It is all in good fun really. Slight Jack/Ianto if you squint. Jack wonders what Ianto does in his spare time and is determined to find out the long way.


-1Ahh… I finally got around to writing another song fic. And as much as I usually find them annoying to write, here I go again. When inspiration strikes, we shouldn't deny it, right? I think so too. I can't tell you exactly its placement in the timeline, only that it's before Exit Wounds because Tosh and Owen are still around. So crap or not, here it is.

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, Doctor Who, the song Handlebars (which belongs to the Flowbots) or anything of that level of wonderfulness. It's very sad, I know. But it's for the greater good. (THE GREATER GOOD.)

--

**Handlebars**

_I can ride my bike with no handlebars  
No handlebars  
No handlebars _

_I can ride my bike with no handlebars  
No handlebars  
No handlebars _

You don't question Ianto Jones. You see, he knows everything. Odds are, it also says whatever information you're looking for at the bottom of the screen. BUT. But he'd know anyway. I'm sure the Doctor would be thrilled to meet someone with a mind like his; someone else who knows too much.

And with a secretive smile like his, it makes me wonder what else he can do. He doesn't say much about himself. Ianto's quick, efficient, and professional. But there are sometimes I wonder what he's like when he's not actually at the hub or around someone here at Torchwood 3. …come to think of it, when isn't Ianto at the hub… I'll pay more attention from here on.

_Look at me, look at me  
hands in the air like it's good to be  
ALIVE  
and I'm a famous rapper  
even when the paths are all crookedy _

I asked Owen what he thought Ianto did with his spare time. He gave me some stupid answer about how he thought the tea boy was some underground rapper or a DJ or something like that. I should have known Owen'd give me an answer like that.

_I can show you how to do-si-do  
I can show you how to scratch a record  
I can take apart the remote control  
And I can almost put it back together _

He helps Tosh with her computers sometimes so I figured I'd ask her next. Turns out, she had no idea what he does in his free time, but she thinks he must have worked with machines at some point because he can work wonders with the technology at the hub. She went as far as to say he was as good as she was at most of it. I filed that away for careful consideration.

_I can tie a knot in a cherry stem  
I can tell you about Leif Ericson  
I know all the words to "De Colores"  
And "I'm Proud to be an American" _

Why hadn't he mentioned that before? Then again, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. He's secretive. Plus, it's not like I mention everything I can do. Actually, there's a lot I haven't told my team, and I don't plan on letting it leak out. No one needs to know about me. Well, any more than they need to know. Which reminds me I need to ask Gwen if she may have any idea about Ianto's habits. She's supposed to be observant.

_Me and my friend saw a platypus  
Me and my friend made a comic book  
And guess how long it took  
I can do anything that I want cuz, look: _

_I can keep rhythm with no metronome  
No metronome  
No metronome _

_And I can see your face on the telephone  
On the telephone  
On the telephone _

Gwen is SUPPOSED to be observant. If I were her teacher in school and Ianto Jones was an assignment for her to study, I'd have given her a very low grade. She told me about some of the things he talks to her about when she tries to quiz him on things, like the time he went to Australia with Lisa a couple months before the fall of Canary Wharf, and about how when he was little he used to want to draw comic books but his mom told him it was a silly thing and made him learn an instrument instead. She showed me a video she'd sneakily took of him when he was making coffee one day to try to figure out how he made it so good, but even though she was able to supply me with some minor insight (more than the rest of her coworkers) there really wasn't much of use there. And the video was so out of focus neither of us were able to determine any great secret. I'll have to try something drastic later with the CCTV.

_Look at me  
Look at me  
Just called to say that it's good to be  
Alive  
In such a small world  
I'm all curled up with a book to read _

He reads lots of books when he sits in the tourist office that serves as a front for the Hub, so he must go to a book store. Either that or he has a lot of books sitting around his flat somewhere.

_I can make money open up a thrift store  
I can make a living off a magazine  
I can design an engine sixty four  
Miles to a gallon of gasoline  
I can make new antibiotics  
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions  
I know how to run a business  
I can make you wanna buy a product  
Movers shakers and producers  
Me and my friends understand the future  
I see the strings that control the systems  
I can do anything with no assistance _

And I just realized I've started spacing off in thought about all of this. I can't help but wonder what he would have done if Torchwood hadn't intervened. He probably would have been some sort of misunderstood genius, a lab worker, possibly a business owner, maybe even a therapist. I can usually trust Ianto to see right into the heart of the matter if there's trouble. He's a bright kid. But the record I got of him seemed troubled. I wonder if he'd have done anything productive at all had he not been mixed up in all of this. …and I'm going to dismiss that thought right away. Ianto's too smart for that path. He would have found a way to pull it together regardless.

_Cuz I can lead a nation with a microphone  
With a microphone  
With a microphone  
And I can split the atom of a molecule  
Of a molecule  
Of a molecule _

And for a few seconds I can sit and envision Ianto as some sort of mad scientist. That thought is just too rich. I'll have to tell him later I thought of that. I'd get one of his exasperated smiles that I love so much. Maybe I'll get to kiss it off his face if he's in a good mood.

_Look at me  
Look at me  
Driving and I won't stop  
And it feels so good to be  
Alive and on top _

I can't, in all seriousness, see Ianto as some form of evil. I really can't. I have no doubt he'd be good at it, but it'd be too sexy for me to be able to do anything about it for a while.

_My reach is global  
My tower secure  
My cause is noble  
My power is pure  
I can hand out a million vaccinations  
Or let'em all die in exasperation  
Have'em all healed of their lacerations  
Have'em all killed by assassination  
I can make anybody go to prison  
Just because I don't like'em and  
I can do anything with no permission  
I have it all under my command  
Because I can guide a missile by satellite  
By satellite  
By satellite  
And I can hit a target through a telescope  
Through a telescope  
Through a telescope  
And I can end the planet in a holocaust  
In a holocaust  
In a holocaust  
In a holocaust  
In a holocaust  
In a holocaust  
In a holocaust _

And sometimes it's so easy to forget he's human, that Ianto can make mistakes. At one point in time I thought I wouldn't be able to forget… I thought a Cyberwoman in the basement would be inexcusable. But I think time has cured almost all of that. I still see him look far away and know he's remembering it, but I can be there for him. And he knows it'll be as alright as it can be later.

_I can ride my bike with no handlebars  
No handlebars  
No handlebars _

_I can ride my bike with no handlebars  
No handlebars  
No handlebars_

So it is with a defeated sigh I call Ianto up to my office to ask him what he likes to do in his spare time. He just gives me one of his knowing looks and hands me my cup of coffee. And at first I thought he wasn't going to answer at all.

"Ianto, what do you like to do in your spare time? Any secret talent you're practicing at?"

"Well, sir, I can ride my bike with no handlebars." And with a smile he disappeared back out to do whatever the wonderful Mr. Jones does when I'm not watching.

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